Unraveling

“You’ll understand when you’re older,” they say, but it’s actually true.

Lately, feeling remorse for behaving in ways I wasn’t consciously aware of yet. I call them my blind spots. Nobody seems to want to tell me the issues I have directly, and I hate that, but I also enjoy it because it allows for self-discovery and recognition… and a little regret.

I wish I could go back to younger me (me last year lol) and tell her to stop, clear your mind, clear your energy, then begin again.

I missed out on such a beautiful person last year because of my past. I was so unaware of how much the pain I was experiencing was leaking into areas of my life that didn’t deserve it. How much I was desensitized to—because I assumed everyone was the same. Everyone was heartless. Nobody TRULY cared. Nobody really paid attention unless it benefited them directly.

I believed all of those lies, to the point that when someone who was honest, spoke life into me, and showed me how life can be very beautiful, expansive—when that person came, I failed.

I failed because of my past. I failed to recognize what was in front of me because of how tainted my vision was.

This entire time, I didn’t understand it. I didn’t understand any of it, told myself, “that was weird,” and kept it pushing. Still, this person lingered in my mind. A year later, still lingering.

FINALLY, after asking God, why am I still thinking about this? Why does this STILL feel so unresolved? God reminded me I am just a child who is learning.

He showed me everywhere I went wrong, how being disobedient (not listening to Him when He told me to release something that should have never been in my life to begin with) years prior is what was causing my turmoil and self-destructive behavior now.

I thought I was innocent. I assumed everyone else had their issues and demons, and I was the victim to them. God showed me all of that was an illusion, an illusion my own pain created. Pain that was never supposed to be mine if I was to listen the first time.

I think at a certain point, you have to just take the accountability and can’t really credit it to being young anymore. I was 24, yes, but that was no excuse.

The main thing I learned is that disobedience will cost you.

It may not be in the moment, so you will assume all is well. Nahhh, it’ll hit you when you least expect it. When the thing you’ve prayed your entire life for will appear in front of you effortlessly, and you won’t see it. You will be blind to it. And you will lose it because you are not ready or prepared. And you are not ready or prepared because you didn’t listen the first time.

So now, I pray for the obedience to listen the first time. So that I won’t regret it the next time.

Now I listen. I see, clearly.

I thank God for the revelation. I thank God for the lessons along the way. I wish I would have listened.

Not listening will cost you. Being fearful will cost you. Not doing the thing that makes you uncomfortable for a bit will cost you.